Follow Sara In her Lean for Life Journey

I've come too far, and I'm not willing to give up.”—Sara Flammang

Sara Flammang, 44, had struggled with her weight since she was a teen. She had tried everything to lose weight, and without success. When her weight reached 361 pounds, she considered having bariatric surgery because she felt she had no other option.

Before making the final commitment to have the surgery (a choice she was very uncomfortable with), Sara silently asked for a sign to tell her otherwise. The very next day, she received a call from a longtime friend who wanted to introduce her to Lindora.

Sara began the Lean for Life program on May 23, 2005 at 361 pounds. Since then, she has lost 126 pounds—she is now more than half way to her goal of losing 220 pounds! Sara is happier and healthier than she has been in a very long time. She continues to make exciting—and sometimes very challenging—discoveries as her body, mind and image transform.

Every few weeks, Sara shares her latest challenges and triumphs in the hopes of inspiring and supporting others in their commitment to become—and stay—Lean for Life. Be sure to check in to read her latest!

October 19th, 2007 – New!

Well, a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks since I last wrote. I’m happy to report I’ve lost over half of the weight I had put on that I wrote about last time. I also got to see the beautiful Traci Smith and chat with her for a while. She’s always such an inspiration to me and so generous with her support.

My recent weight gain was a big shock to me, but the plus side is that I had no desire to accept it. It’s a lot easier to take off 20 pounds than it is to take of 200. Before Lindora, I would have thought, “Tomorrow, I’ll start tomorrow…” and then tomorrow would never have come. Now, I realize I’ve changed; I’d rather take care of it today, so that tomorrow my jeans will fit! I’m back to just putting my jeans on instead of stuffing myself into them; it was a hard but worthwhile lesson.

My younger cousin recently passed away, and on the nights I went to the hospital to visit him, my first thought as I drove out of the parking lot was “Fast food”. My second thought was “No, that’s not how you deal with things now,” and I’d eat one of my Lindora protein bars or go home and eat healthy.

If I still weighed 361 pounds, I wouldn’t have been visiting my cousin in his last weeks because I would have been too exhausted or depressed. To not have had those last days with him and those last conversations…that would have been heartache I wouldn’t ever forget. In the past, I let the shame of my size isolate me from those I loved. The struggles of moving around with all that weight kept me from even more.

My emotions have been so raw that out-of-control eating would probably set me over the edge. Today, I’m honoring my love for my cousin by keeping in control and knowing that the pain I feel is because he was so special. I’m keeping in control so I can be a better friend to those I care about. I’m keeping in control so my parents can count on me when they need to. I’m keeping in control because I like fitting into my jeans. I’m keeping in control because I’ve grown accustomed to living a healthier life.

I’m keeping in control because I want smaller jeans. I’m keeping in control because we had a fire drill yesterday and I could walk of my own accord down 10 flights of stairs (when I was heavier, I was stuck on the 10th floor during a real fire because I couldn’t get down the stairs!). I’m keeping in control because it empowers me. I’m keeping in control because I refuse to be weaker than an inanimate piece of fried potato. I’m keeping in control because I don’t know what lies ahead of me—and I don’t want to be confined to a couch and miss it!

September 20th, 2007

Can you hear my big sigh of relief? That was from when I walked in the Irvine clinic to restart my program. I need and want that support system to keep me focused on my goal.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I regained some weight due to the unhealthy stress eating I’ve been doing. Part due to my daily stints at the hospital with my dad, but even when I wasn’t there, I wasn’t eating any better. I found out that I’m not a “just-a-bite” gal. For some things I’m fine if I don’t even have a taste, because then I don’t miss it. But depending on what it is (French fries, potato chips, anything starchy!) one bite leads to a descent into starch land – can’t get enough!

I quickly found during my first Lean for Life program two years ago, that after a relatively short time, I stopped craving the carbs. Let me rephrase that: I stopped craving the BAD carbs. I looked forward to the fruits and the vegetables, and I didn’t physically miss the starchy carbs. But emotionally? That is always the demon I fight. So, my most recent “descent” started off with some necessity of “eating off plan” due to circumstances, but I didn’t rein it in when I could have, and the results were horrifying. Keep reading if you dare!

So, week three into the hospital trips with Dad, I got the early morning call that I needed to take him to the emergency room. I rolled out of bed, threw my hair in a ponytail and grabbed my jeans. One leg in, second leg in, then it happened. As I pulled the jeans up towards my waist to fasten them they got, uh, “stuck” – they didn’t slip up as they usually do. I tugged a bit, but since I was in emergency mode to get my dad to the hospital, I quickly threw them off and grabbed my looser-fitting Capris and thought I’d “figure out what was wrong” (ha!) with my jeans later. As I was putting on my Capris, I noticed they seemed more fitted than usual, and I remember thinking that was odd, but then I slipped my flip-flops on and flew out the door.

When I returned later that night, I saw the jeans lying on the bedroom floor and it reminded me I had to see what the problem was. So one leg in, second leg in, over the thighs, up towards the waist and then it happened again, things got a little snug. The washer must have mistakenly been on hot water and shrunk them, or dryer must have malfunctioned, I thought. I’ll try on a different pair. One leg in, second leg in, over the thighs, up towards the waist…Oh hell, I thought, I’m having trouble with these too! This time I was determined to get them up, so I tugged vigorously, squirmed and wriggled a little, and—eureka—I finally got them up to my waist! I began to try zip them up…pulling, starting to pant a little, the metal of the zipper imprinting itself in my index finger from the pressure…I almost had it, not quite, then, there—I zipped it.

I took a deep breath, blew the hair out of my face and wiped the sweat from my brow. I knew what I had to do. I pulled the jeans off and padded barefoot to the scale. Again I took a deep breath stepped on the scale. I said a little prayer and looked down. What? I thought. This must be a mistake (just like the jeans!)! So I stepped off the scale and recalibrated. I stepped back on and then I just stared at the number. Apparently I just found out what was “wrong” with the jeans…my weight!

I have sworn to myself I will never allow myself to have to go to a larger size than I weigh now—only smaller—so I’m horrified that it’s almost happened. It only took a matter of a few weeks to put on enough weight to make my beloved jeans almost too small too get on.

I took my little behind (a figure of speech) right back to Lindora as soon as things calmed down with Dad, and I’m already starting to see the scale go back down. My girlfriend Bridget (who goes to the Orange clinic) and I were talking about how much lighter we feel almost immediately when eating the way Lindora has taught us. There’s that defense mechanism to want to take off gained weight before going back to the clinic, because you worry about what someone else might think of you. Big mistake. Get back in there, face the music (or, rather, the scale) and before I know it, I won’t have to do a series of gyrations and acrobatics to get my pants buttoned!

** For those of you who read my journal regularly, please note that I’ll be writing less frequently. For the time being, I’ll be updating my journal every few weeks instead of weekly. I’m thinking of you all and sending you my best, and remember…you’ll be seeing less of me every time I write! So stay tuned!

August 22nd, 2007

Did you miss me? I know it’s been awhile, but it’s been a challenging few weeks and I want to let you know what’s been going on. My father has been suffering with trigeminal neuralgia, an extremely painful, hideous condition that results in “attacks” which have sent us back and forth to the hospital or emergency room for the past few weeks. He is now home, and while we’re still addressing his health issues, at least we’re doing it from his home rather than a hospital.

I’m back at work today so this may be a quick journal, but I at least wanted to touch base. I’ve been dealing with issues that are hurting my heart. When I was at a recent counseling session, I was telling my therapist through my tears that I felt like I was going back to the old Sara. The first sign of any perceived chance that my heart could be hurt and my temptation is to run away as fast as I can.

My first instinct has always been to protect myself from any form of rejection or personal loss. So in addition to living a healthier physical life, I’m working hard at also living a healthier emotional life. The emotional stuff is what led to many, many pounds of repressed and stuffed-away pain. I’m trying not to turn to food, and I’m also trying not to turn my pain into anger. As I was ranting and raving to my therapist, I heard myself ask, “How do I get rid of this? How do I not feel this!?” Then I stopped and thought, “What did I just ask? How do I what? Am I really asking my therapist how do I not feel?

That’s where I go astray every time. It was so clear at that moment. Why do I think I’m not supposed to feel pain? Why am I scrambling to get away from it instead of walking through it? Her answer was simple: “You cry, you talk about it, and then you cry some more”. In other words, acknowledge it, deal with it and keep at it until I’m through it.

I’ve always looked for a way to circumvent emotional pain, and all it’s done is manifest itself in fat cells. As we discussed other areas in which I was feeling overwhelmed, my therapist suggested that I create a “God Box.” First, she explained, you write down whatever it is that you’re worrying or hurting about that you have no control over. You then place those notes in a container—your God Box—and let it go. I’m sure that having an actual box and the act of writing the problem down and placing it in the container is a symbolic, physical way of acknowledging what is out of my control.

I did what she asked, and by golly if I didn’t start to feel differently as each day passed. I asked her if there was a maximum capacity for the box, and she assured me there isn’t. That’s a good thing, because mine is already quite full at the moment! My friend, Bridget, just gave me a beautiful box, and I’ve already started to use it.

I’m learning that while there are some things I need to handle emotionally, there are also situations that go straight to my special box, to be dealt with by a higher authority than me. I may have thought that by running away from situations, I was avoiding pain. But I now realize now that I was just transferring it to my body to deal with, pound by pound. Now my challenge will be to figure out what goes in the box and what is mine to deal with. Right now, I need to deal with the reality that I’ve been eating hospital vending machine, cafeteria and gift shop food for almost two weeks. I’ll be returning to my clinic next Monday, and will deal then with the challenge of stepping back on the scale!

July 26th, 2007

Hi all! I have an update on the health stuff I’ve been experiencing. It’s ultimately good news, but it will momentarily put a hitch in my get-a-long (so to speak!). I’ve felt for months that I must be stopping myself from losing the last of the pounds and reaching my goal. No matter how focused and “on plan” as I was, I couldn’t get my scale to budge below 240 (give or take a few pounds). Finally, I have an answer!

I’ve been feeling increasingly bad over the last few months and finally I went to see my physician. I can see my friends shaking their heads, since they’d been begging me for some time!. She ordered several tests and the results are in! Before I started Lindora, I had an adrenalectomy because I had a fairly large tumor on it. That left me with one adrenal gland (rather than two). It wasn’t supposed to be a problem because most people can usually function just fine with one. Apparently my remaining adrenal gland hasn’t been cooperating. Over time, it’s progressively been affecting several areas, including my metabolism. My doctor said my metabolism is very, very low and that’s why I haven’t been able to lose weight. She was actually a bit amazed that I hadn’t gained a lot of weight back, and I now realize that Lindora was saving me once again. If it weren’t for the fact that I didn’t give up and was still eating healthy, I would have likely experienced a very significant weight gain. While I haven’t been losing a lot of weight, the good news is that I have maintained and not regained the weight I have lost!

I’m just so relieved there’s an answer and now we can move ahead to fix the problem. My hormone levels are also out of whack, which among other things affects my sleep. I am trying to hang in there while we figure out if there’s a tumor on my other gland or where we go from here. Ironically, malfunctioning adrenal glands can also cause extreme weight loss, but could I get that problem? Of course not! I guess I’m supposed to continue working for my weight loss and it’s not going to be handed to me by an ailing gland!

Lindora promotes treating the whole body and their goal is to work in concert with a person's team of physicians so that everything works together. Despite my coaches and my friends urging, I kept putting it off. I was reluctant to go in and just find out everything was fine. In fact, everything wasn’t fine and I could have addressed this problem months ago. It’s been a good lesson for me. I have to take care of my weight loss with Lindora, make sure I’m getting my overall health monitored by seeing my physician, my ob-gyn, and my psychologist. Following up with all of them regularly is key to total body and mind health. Neglecting any of these areas is a sure way for me to fail, and I’ve had it with failing.

Speaking of my psychologist, last week we talked about reacting versus responding. In business I’m a responder. When it comes to my friends, I’m a responder. But when it comes to me personally, I’m a big time reactor. Not good. Responding to situations will empower me if I can get there. When I eat because I’m upset or sad or angry or lonely, that’s reacting. If I were to respond, I would take a walk or get busy doing something productive. I talked to my psychologist about wanting to volunteer at a home for abused and neglected children. She laughed and said “I don’t think so!” What? She said they need someone who has boundaries and understands that bad things happen sometimes, not someone with a “squishy” heart.

Squishy heart? I guess she’s right, but as I started to get upset that I wasn’t more balanced emotionally, she told me to honor that part of myself that feels things as deeply as I do and to find a better outlet, such as a hospital nursery where they need volunteers to hold and rock babies who need to stay a little longer but aren’t sick.

Balance, responding versus reacting, honoring how my heart works, taking care of my mind and body health…it’s all a work in progress. I’m extremely sad about losing a friendship right now, but what I’m very proud about is that I’m feeling it. I’m not blocking it out. I’m not pretending I don’t care. I didn’t run the other way at the first sign of rejection. That either shows I’ve grown emotionally or it’s a testament to the caliber of man he is—probably some of both. I discovered that rejection doesn’t actually kill you as I had once thought. It’s definitely wounded me but I’m still breathing. I’m trying to respond to the pain I feel and not react. I’m trying to find a balance between feeling it and letting it consume me. Robert Gary Lee once said, “Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain”. I’m finding solace that before I’m through, I’m apparently going to be one wise woman.

July 12th, 2007

I was talking with Meg, one of my coaches at the Irvine clinic, about that fact that I was maintaining my weight loss, taking a break from the program for a few weeks, and starting counseling. Our conversation centered on that fact that while I know the Lean for Life program works, it’s my struggle with emotions that would stop it from continuing to work for me. Meg was appreciative of the fact that I was trying to do my part in managing that by going to a therapist, because as much as they might want to, our Lindora coaches can’t do it all for us.

I’ve recently had some health issues come back up that I’ve had to deal with before starting another Lindora weight loss series. I’ve been concentrating on taking care of that and have set Monday as my return date to weight loss and seeing my Lindora family on a daily basis!

I will reach my goal and I won’t give up until I do! As Traci Smith has reminded me, living healthy doesn’t stop when I reach the right number on a scale. It’s an ongoing process. I don’t have anything funny or thoughtful to say and since I’m trying not to be a people pleaser (ha!) I’m going to try and not pretend. I’ve experienced a range of emotions the last couple of weeks, and I guess it’s taken the “sass” right out of me and worn me out a little.

I’m trying to not be governed by my emotions all the time, and that’s proving as exhausting and difficult as I thought it would. After a particularly heartbreaking incident a couple weeks ago, I caught my reflection in the mirrors in the elevator at work and it took my breath away. I saw 361-pound Sara. I was big, distorted, and it sickened me to see myself. I was disgusted. What was equally shocking was the fact that I became aware almost immediately that what I was seeing could not be valid or real.

I started asking myself logical questions in hopes of refocusing my feelings to a more realistic place. I had to remind myself that I knew I didn’t weigh that much anymore, and that the stinging slap of personal rejection was behind the unrealistic physical view I perceived. I just decided to quit looking until I had emotionally settled down. That was a big step for me. I tend to want to isolate and get inside my head, but I didn’t do that this time. I also didn’t emotionally eat. Instead, I stayed on my maintenance plan. I kept myself busy doing things even when I didn’t “feel” like it because my brain knew staying at home and brooding was going to take me off my healthy eating and lead to destructive behavior.

That’s it folks, that’s all I got! I’ve been trudging an uphill emotional and physical battle the last couple weeks, but I’m starting to feel better and I’m eager to get this show back on the road!

June 29th, 2007

It’s been a long, sad, exhausting week for me, but I’m ending it with a revelation of sorts. The way this relates to my Lindora program is the idea of moderation, something that I struggle with every day. I tend to be one extreme or the other—too little food or too much—and the program continues to teach me that it’s healthy to have just the right amount at just the right times.

Let’s dive right into it, shall we? I’ve been asked more than a few times about what happened with my neighbor (in my May 4th journal entry). First, let me say how when some of you recognize me outside the Irvine clinic (or even when I’m in the clinic), it continues to surprise me, but it just shows how many of us there are in the Lindora family. That situation is what made this week so difficult, but it has also given me great insight. Forgive me, but I’m going to use an analogy to describe it.

I’m looking at the friendship I had with this man as a gift I presented to him…let’s say it was a shirt. I’ve given the same shirt to others before (it might sound tacky, but this is an analogy people, go with me here!), and some loved it and it was a perfect fit, was the right color, style, size and was one of their favorites. Some have liked the shirt a lot, it may not have been their absolute favorite, but they didn’t want to get rid of it, and they wear it often. So I picked out the best wrapping paper I had, bundled it up, put a bow on it and handed it to him.

As he was holding the gift, I saw that the wrapping paper had some tears in it and I wanted to snatch it back, but that’s what the old me would have done. So I told myself it was the best paper I had and I let him continue taking the scotch tape off the sides. He pulled the bow off and I again felt a sense of embarrassment because I saw it was a little smashed and worn, but I told myself it didn’t matter—it was that shirt inside that I wanted him to appreciate.

As he looked at it, I saw how much he wanted to like it. As he put it on, he still was thanking me and we both were anticipating the perfect fit. But, sadly, for whatever reason, that’s not how it turned out. Maybe it wasn’t the right color or material, or the style wasn’t what he was comfortable wearing. He wanted to like it, I know he did, but it’s a personal preference and I can’t impose my tastes on him. He appreciated the gift and it’s not that he didn’t like the shirt; he just didn’t like it for him. It wasn’t something he would have picked out for himself.

Now, this was a present, so I couldn’t take it back; and, frankly, I didn’t want to. My mistake was not in the giving, but it was the subsequent actions on my part. I walked away very sad and hurt at first. I was hurt that he wasn’t overjoyed, and I also felt like I had failed. Even told myself (at times) that he must just have bad taste (that was the pouting stage!). So back I went, knocked on his door, and asked him to try it on again. Patiently he complied and as he buttoned it, I saw he was trying, but again, it wasn’t right.

Instead of understanding, I begged him to really look at the material. Couldn’t he see how good it would look on him? What if I altered it for you, I offered, would it fit then? I’ll change the buttons, I’ll wrap it in a different paper, pick out a different bow, would that make you love it? But by then the gift was becoming a burden, and I was trying to force him to feel the same way about that shirt that I did. I may have thought it was perfect, but he didn’t. He tried and tried, he buttoned and tucked and looked, but in the end it’s the same shirt and I can’t love it enough for both of us. I don’t want him to wear it if the material scratches his skin. I can’t expect him to walk around in something that’s ill-fitting just to make me happy, that’s not a gift, and he was getting frustrated and angry. I don’t blame him.

So I leave my present with him, if only as a reminder that I cared enough to give. I take away a huge gift from him that he cared enough to try it on far more times than I should have asked. Maybe someday he’ll find it in the back of his closet, pull it out and it will fit (or maybe he’ll just give it to Goodwill!). There will always be a part of me that thinks the shirt was perfect and I hope there’s a part of him that regrets that it wasn’t.

June 22nd, 2007

I’m finishing my last week of maintenance, and will be returning full force to the weight loss phase in a couple more days, so right now, I’m mentally preparing myself.

It sure is easy for me to maintain my weight (give or take a few pounds). That gives me heart that when I do reach my goal, I won’t gain the weight back. I have already achieved what I thought was unattainable, which is not just to lose weight, but also to keep it off.

In the last 20 years, I don’t think I ever kept off any lost weight for more than a few months at best. I realize now that as soon as I had lost weight, I would go right back to my old behaviors, and eventually, well—I gained it all back (and then some), and pretty soon I was 361 pounds! I not only have taken off a tremendous amount of weight, but I haven’t gained it back...and I won’t.

In last week’s journal, I mentioned that I was still processing some counseling stuff and that I’d share some of it this week…so here it goes. I went through a long exercise with the therapist. During the exercise, for every answer I gave her, she’d have a follow-up question (at several points I was ready to bop her upside the head). But there was a method to the madness, and I knew if I stuck in there I might learn something. Together we eventually pinpointed what happens to me when I have a strong emotion (fear, sadness, rejected, scared, etc.).

The emotion starts off small, and then I think of all the areas in which I lack, and right when I get to the point where I’m going to explode with my inadequacies, I shut off the emotion and am left with this hard uncomfortable ball in my stomach, an actual physical feeling. When I shove the emotion aside, I then “feed” the physical feeling in my stomach, transferring it from a feeling of anxiety to one of hunger. When I feed the “hunger,” it gives me something else to concentrate on, and the feeling of being full replaces the hard anxiety ball in my belly.

The interesting thing about the process I went through was that my therapist didn’t tell me any of this, but the follow-up questions to my answers really forced me to dig deep into what happens, and eventually, I got to the core of it myself.

Now comes the work of learning how to deal with the emotions in the first place. I do feel much more capable of delving into my pain and my past, because physically I’m healthier than I’ve been in forever. Even when I was last at this weight, I am sure I didn’t get there in a healthy way.

It’s funny, but after all this work and learning and seeing how the Lean for Life program really works, I do have those days when I think, “maybe I should go get the Lap Band to lose the last bit of my weight” just because the old Sara looms her big head and tries to shake the new Sara’s confidence. But then good sense chases the old me away and I remind myself of how well the program works (if I let it!), how proud I am that I have lost the weight (without surgical intervention) and how wonderful Lindora’s support is.

So, Monday I start the journey to conquer the last fat cells that represent the pain and fear that I no longer allow control over me. I won’t give up. I can’t give up because I want to see what it feels like to be unencumbered by weight. Can you imagine? I’m not looking for the smallest body in the world, because frankly, I will always have more of a booty than most! But I just want to be unencumbered. What a word. It says it all.

June 18th, 2007

Hello all! I’ve tasted some of the new products and feel I must comment. I saw the word “Cheesecake” on a box at the reception counter in the Irvine clinic, and my head whipped around so fast I think one of the coaches thought I was nuts. Now, I have never been a dessert person (potatoes, potatoes and more potatoes were my downfall), but I could always find room for a cheesecake. This particular cheesecake is a pudding consistency, and, oh my gosh…it was good. If you like cheesecake, I think you’ll like this!

I also tried the new Chocolate Mint shake, and I love that, too. During the summer when you don’t feel like making anything in the oven, any of the shakes are great sources of protein, but I have a fondness for this flavor in particular. I took my fruit serving for the meal (I used frozen strawberries), put them in the blender with the shake mix and blended it with ice and water. I kept adding ice until the consistency was more “shake like,” and once I started sipping it, I couldn’t stop! Pair that with a salad, and I not only had my meal, but I had a great one.

I love that Lindora teaches you how to stay balanced and make your own food selections, so that once you get to your goal weight you aren’t left trying to figure out what to do in order to keep the weight off. In my experience, going through every diet known to man (okay, maybe there’s ONE out there I haven’t tried before), losing weight by eating what someone else has put together for me doesn’t work, long term. I love it in the moment because it’s mindless and I can just eat what’s been pre-packaged and probably lose weight at the same time. But what always happened before was that I would always put it back on…plus 10 or 20 additional pounds. I feel much more in control with Lindora’s plan, and I’m not fearful of what’s going to happen in the end.

Lots of stuff going on in counseling right now, but I’m a little raw from it today, so I’ll process it some and write about it next week. I’ve also been on a short “break” from the program while I started therapy, and I’m back in the clinic on Monday to start taking off the last of the fat cells I’ve apparently been determined to hold on to. Side note: I saw pictures from my fancy professional photo shoot I told you about in a previous journal, and, dare I say it, I wasn’t horrified at the results!

Last but definitely not least, I know a sweet young girl named Paige who’s starting her Lean for Life program. I’m so excited for her! She’s a very pretty girl who’s smarter than I was at her age. She wants to be healthier so she has the energy to do whatever she wants to in life, so she’s going to take off a few extra pounds now, while she’s young.

From what I’ve heard, Paige loves to cook, and she might want to be a chef when she gets older. I think that anyone can make something taste good if they fry it or use enough oil or fat grams (do I hear an “Amen,” people?), but cooking in a healthy way takes a little know-how. So now, Paige can not only take off the fat cells that don’t belong on her body by eating differently, but she can also start experimenting on how to use different spices or food combinations (within program of course!) to make her meals tasty and lean at the same time.

When Paige gets old enough to be a chef (or own her own restaurant!) she’ll be ahead of her competition by already knowing how to make flavorful, healthy meals. I’m so proud of her for wanting to take care of her body now…and not wait years, like I did. I can’t wait to check in on her progress. Good luck, Paige!

June 1st, 2007

I was watching a show about an obesity hospital in New York. Watching it broke my heart, yet at the same time, it strengthened my resolve. One of the things I noted pretty quickly was that I had lost weight on Lindora quicker than most of the patients featured whose meals were being prepared and had supervised exercise. These suffering human beings weighed 400, 500, 600 pounds or more, and most were immobile when they checked in. After 6 months or so, many of them had lost enough weight and gained enough mobility that they could go home to continue their weight loss. Some succeeded, but there were many more who gained pounds back after leaving the hospital. I believe it’s because they didn’t have to make the choices themselves while hospitalized; their food was being prepared and served to them.

Having to take care of myself and make those choices everyday can be tough at times, but it’s also what’s going to keep the weight off when I reach my goal. I’m not negating that these people needed an intervention; most of them were housebound and the hospital worked hard at getting them back up on their feet and able to walk. I am just grateful that I found Lindora before I hit 400 pounds, and I wish I had found it when I hit 200 pounds.

I felt an ache in my heart as they talked about a woman who needed an MRI done because of a large tumor growing on her, but she couldn’t fit in the machine—she had to lose close to 100 pounds just to fit. That took me back to a memory from about 3-4 years ago, when I had to have a lot of medical tests done and had to go to a special place where they had large open equipment for larger people.

There I was, ill, exhausted and scared, and they couldn’t evaluate me because of my size. My weight and size were actually putting roadblocks in the way of my recovery. Recently I had to have some of those same tests done, and no one even questioned my size or whether I would fit in the normal machines. I was tense as I sat there shivering in my robe (come on, those hospital robes couldn’t be made out of thinner material!), waiting to be called and nervous that I wouldn’t fit. My foot was shaking back and forth and my mind was racing. I was more worried about fitting into the MRI tube than I was about the test result.

Finally my name was called, and I followed the technician back and there it was, what looks like the smallest MRI tube in the world. I lay down, the motor started whirring, and as my body slowly approached the opening, I found myself sucking in my stomach (come on now, if it’s that tight a fit, sucking it in isn’t going to help!) and praying like there’s no tomorrow that I could squeeze in. I closed my eyes in dread for just a minute, and when I opened them, what do you know, I was in, and there was lots of space around me! They could have fit two of me in there! Okay, that’s an exaggeration…but I was so elated and relieved and again in awe of how much I’ve accomplished with Lindora. Not only was I not in a “special” big machine, but I also fit with room to spare in a “normal” machine. Lindora provided the plan with support and supervision, and I make the choices that have brought me to this point.

May 25th, 2007

So counseling is a wonderful thing, but it sure is hideous at times until you work through the ugliness. This week’s revelation had to do with refocusing myself.

Since I’ve started counseling, the old habits of turning to food or snacking have plagued me. I continue to fight against grabbing fast food after a session and sometimes the fight consumes me. So my counselor said she wants me to change the focus: Instead of focusing on not eating something, instead turn my attentions to choosing a healthy meal. If I spend all my time thinking about what I shouldn’t do, in turn that’s where all my energy is going. So, I am to only think about what I am choosing: a lovely protein snack, a nutritious dinner, a tasteful afternoon snack (okay, the adjectives are a little much for me too…but that’s what she was saying!)…you get the idea.

It’s the same thing Dr. Stamper put into the Lean for Life program, positive affirmations. Instead of telling ourselves what failures we are for all the things in the past, we are supposed to reposition our thinking by telling ourselves the positive things. To me it’s kind of like “brain washing,” but for good, not evil!

I am struggling in therapy right now; I’m confused and scared and want to run like hell the other way. I don’t want to dig deep and bring what’s buried to the surface. I want to just try and move forward without examining myself any closer than I already have, but I can’t. I have to face whatever has a hold of my ankle and won’t let me take another step forward without a fight. The day I said to myself “Wow, I only have about 70 more pounds to lose” is the day I began my self-imposed plateau. I didn’t realize it at first, but when I did, that’s when I made the call to start therapy.

I lost 120-130 pounds without a thought to the end or the future—and without really believing the weight loss would be successful. The trouble started when I actually knew I could do succeed. It sounds crazy even to me, and I wish I could tell you why, but I don’t know yet. What I do know is that giving up completely will be far more painful than my smaller failures. I know how to work this program and I know how to lose the weight (not MY weight, but THE weight—I don’t want to own the weight or I’m destined to get it back!).

Dr. Stamper put together a program that really addresses all the key issues for continued weight loss: accountability, positive thinking, frequent and smaller meals, movement and support. Only if I give up completely will I fail, but if I keep getting up every day determined to do what I can—despite the choices I’ve made in the past—I do believe in the end I will win.

I’m facing some significant pain in the upcoming weeks in therapy but I will get through it, and I will get through it by focusing on what I am choosing and not what I’m fighting against. I’m choosing me for the first time and though that may just be words right now, if I say them enough I believe I will feel them someday. I choose me, I choose health, I choose making the right choice just for the next meal and I choose to keep going.

May 19th, 2007

Hello all. I’ve had a really trying week and I still feel like I’m struggling to gain my footing. I’m sad, just so very sad and vulnerable and my emotions are very raw.

I’ve mentioned that I started counseling so I could make sure that as my physical self changes, my emotional self would get healthier as well. I’ve been reluctant to start therapy, afraid that I would turn to food to medicate the emotions brought to the surface, but I made sure I told my therapist about that fear. For the first two sessions I cried, but nothing I couldn’t handle, and all was progressing well. I thought maybe I had progressed beyond all of the pain, and that maybe I had been worried for no reason. Not so lucky.

Session three brought back emotions that I had stuffed down a long time ago; this resulted in me not sleeping. I was having flashbacks of things that happened long ago, along with a fear of finding out what else might have happened (things that I’ve blocked out). Knowing that I have to find that out sent the adrenaline coursing through my body and made rest impossible. By the next afternoon following my therapy session, I was drained, exhausted and raw, so after fighting it for two days, I headed off to get my pain medication—onion rings and tacos.

Truthfully, I could have stopped after the onion rings and been somewhat okay. I would have been a little disappointed that I ate them for the reasons I did, but proud that I hadn’t taken it to a more destructive level. Apparently I was looking for a more destructive level. The thing is, while the food was in my mouth I felt better, calmer. As soon as I took that last bite I couldn’t believe how full I felt. Uncomfortable, full and disgusted. Oh, did I mention the shake I got to wash down the rings and the tacos? I don’t even like ice cream that much! It was just subconsciously one more thing to heap on to make myself ultimately feel worse.

I called my girlfriend for probably the 4th time that day, upset and barely able to get the words out “I ate enough for three people” and then gave her the lunch menu in detail. She calmed me down as she had several times already that day and we talked about how we all slip and fall but it’s the not getting back up that does it in. I didn’t get to 361 pounds because I had one meal of onion rings and tacos, but because I would follow it up by another and another and another. I of course didn’t want to eat anything else the rest of the day but I forced myself to have my next protein snack, then my dinner of protein vegetables and fruit, then my last snack. I could barely put the food in my mouth at that point but I did.

That’s what I get the most from Lindora: every day you get right back on track. Every day is a conscious effort to move forward. Sadly, I probably haven’t seen my last destructive food event, but I go back to the clinic, I step on the scale, I hand in my food journal (with the fast food added up!) and I make a new plan. If I fall I get up and head the same way down the road, I don’t turn around and start walking back the way I came. My struggle is not the menu or the program, if I had done this exactly according to Dr. Stamper’s plan I might have reached my goal weight by now but at least I haven’t quit. I haven’t quit, I haven’t gained my weight back and I’ve lost over 120 pounds. All in all, my trek down the road to health has been one of great successes, but admittedly I’ve twisted my ankle a few times and fallen. Okay, so I get up and limp on, bruised up a bit at times because at the end of that road is another adventure even better than this one and I’m determined to travel that highway too.

May 11th, 2007

My weight is down 2 pounds. Initially, I wasn’t happy with that number. It had been more, but the more I was exercising, the less weight loss the scale seemed to show. My Lindora coaches all reminded me that when you exercise and your muscles are sore (and believe me…mine are!) that you retain water in your muscle and the weight loss won’t show initially. Obviously, building muscle affects the scale also.

Now that I’ve discovered I can “run,” keeping in mind that I’m not talking triathlon here, I’ve been running in place for 30-45 minutes at night with breaks of fast walking or dancing breaking every 10 minutes to catch my breath. I put some CDs in the stereo that have a fast pace…and off I go. So I was getting very consistent in my workouts and feeling really good about it when I jogged a little too much to the right and danced a little too much to the left and my knee shifted in a direction it’s not supposed to go. This has resulted in several days of no jogging or dancing while it heals and I’m actually missing my cardio workouts!

Now…on to my revelation. Lindora was doing a photo shoot of some of their terrific “after” patients and asked me to come by so they could take some of me (I’m a “during” patient but at least I’m not a “before!”). The day of the shoot I wake up with one thought, “How the heck do I get out of this?” I always hate looking at photos of myself because of what I see, and this was beyond one person snapping a picture, this was lights, camera, action! If you want me to journal every week about my feelings, no problem. Sit in on my therapy sessions while I pour out my heart? Be my guest. Speak in front of hundreds of people? I can do that. But to have the focus be on my physical self? That’s where it gets difficult for me.

Since I realized there was no way I was going to cancel on Lindora after they gave me this amazing opportunity to get these pictures updated, I then had to just concentrate on moving myself forward however reluctant I was. I got there at my assigned time and initially was very quiet and to myself (and those that know me well know that doesn’t happen often!). Little by little I started pushing myself out of that discomfort zone, and by the time I was in front of the camera, it was on! The photographer and all the staff were so amazing and I ended up having so much fun with it because I just didn’t take myself too seriously.

It was also very interesting to see so many others with their “before” pants and the amounts of weight these people have lost and kept off. What was a revelation to me was when I put on my before pants. I would have predicted it would be a big (no pun intended) affirmation for me on how much I’ve accomplished and have to be proud of but the minute I stepped into those pants my whole mood changed.

After I stepped into those pants, the happiness and silliness that I had been exhibiting before started seeping away. I started feeling depressed and embarrassed—ashamed at how big those pants were. I became Fat Sara again, no longer “Sara with fat on her,” but Fat Sara. I let that material take me back to a place where self-hatred was the name of the game. Right before that, I had seen some of the photos they had taken and actually didn’t break out into a cold, clammy sweat. I didn’t see a distorted huge body, but a girl that was fuller than she’d like to be but on her way to a great place. Someone who was happier with who she was and the photographer actually complimented me on how confident I was (ha!). I put on those 5x blue pants and I let that all be stripped away from me and I concentrated on how ashamed I was to have let myself get that big. I left that photo shoot and ate fries—yes, I did. I ate them and I knew as I stuffed them in my mouth it was because I was thinking like Fat Sara again which is I can’t deal with the pain so where’s the food. The next day I ate some chips and then went stop – this is not how I want to live.

In therapy this week, my therapist asked if this was before, what would I have been doing now and I said still eating. I would not have stopped at fries and some chips—that would only have been the start. She said it’s like a bucket that’s not full yet, and every time I accomplish something or learn something about myself I’m putting another drop in the bucket and it gets fuller and fuller. I recognized how I slipped into my negative thinking and actions immediately when I ate the first fry—that added a drop to my bucket. I stopped it after two days as opposed to two weeks—another earned drop. Instead of dumping my bucket over and spilling everything because I wasn’t perfect, I need to just add my drops as I can, one by one. Pretty soon I hope I’ll be able to hear that water sloshing around in there spilling over the top. What a day that will be.

May 4th, 2007

What a week. I have lots to share. First, I’m down a pound…but since I record my “journal” weight on Monday, and today is Friday, I’ve lost more since! So I hope to report bigger numbers next time!

Now…on to the “stuff!” I’ve talked about my almost debilitating fear of rejection that resulted in me just avoiding situations where that could happen. Never really putting myself out there, keeping my needs and wants to a minimum and the moment a situation even looked like it was heading the “rejection way,” I ran for the hills without looking back (okay, “running for the hills” is figurative, since I couldn’t run at 361 pounds!). The point is I that would do anything and everything I could to ensure I would leave any relationship or situation before it could leave me or I failed. That way I could kid myself that it was my decision and never stuck around to see if I was wrong.

As I’ve been working on my health, I’ve also been working on myself and trying to lead a more fearless life. I try to express my emotions instead of stuffing them down (along with a hamburger and large order of fries!). If I start to run from an emotionally uncomfortable situation I either make myself turn around and walk back, or I come back to the situation as soon as I can and face it. I am working on so many inner demons right now that just the self-talk can be exhausting…but I’m making progress, bit by bit.

Okay, back to debilitating embarrassment. I have a neighbor who I’d grown quite close to, okay a neighbor I thought I was close to, who told me that he felt my feelings were inappropriate for the kind of relationship we had, or translated in plain English, “I think you like me a lot more than I like you.”

I thought, “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?” In my head I was repeating, “Keep smiling, nod, that’s right…just smile and nod…” while I willed my face not to turn beet red. I don’t know where the phrase “Take Me Now Lord” started from but I’m pretty sure it was a situation like this. I spent the next few days with waves of shame, embarrassment and humiliation washing over me at intervals until then it hit me: I hadn’t stopped to get that instant pain medication called McDonalds! I wasn’t at home with a bag of chips on one side and Kleenex on the other and the Lord didn’t “take me now” even though I had begged him for days!

Instead of “self-medicating” with food, I instead actually found myself trying to see the situation from my neighbor’s point of view. He was looking for a new place to live; I expressed how upset I was at the thought of him not living close by. While more conversations took place prior to this, in the end I knew he cared and said nothing to try to hurt me—and I’ve been in his same situation before. I’ve had people that I may have liked but didn’t necessarily want to spend as much time with them as they might have with me.

The growth comes from what I do with those emotions. The relationship definitely changed that day, but I also found myself looking at what I DID have instead of what I LOST. That too was a huge step for me! I still allow myself to be hurt over extending myself too far to someone who wasn’t as interested, but I’m not allowing myself to dwell in the pain to the point where it takes my focus off my goals.

Thankfully I also went to my first counseling session this past week…but of course we had to start at childhood, and again I left there fighting my steering wheel which seemed to be veering towards any fast food place with a drive-thru (I successfully navigated past all of them!). An interesting tidbit I got from the therapist: she said she believes that what we say to ourselves subconsciously is far more destructive than anything we are conscious of and something I had just said waved a red flag to her.

I was talking about when I lost “my weight” and her counsel was that I should instead refer to it as “THE weight” because she didn’t think it was mine to begin with. I told her how I refer to 361 pound Sara as “her—” as if she’s someone I know but can’t be close friends with anymore and she confirmed that she thought that was a healthy way of looking at it.

I had lots of tears in counseling—pain over my rejection, and more sadness overall than I’ve felt in a while. However, I’ve been allowing myself my feelings but not turning life’s disappointments into reasons for going backward and claiming back someone else’s weight. It’s not my fat I’ve lost—because it’s fat I never should have had in the first place. It’s not my weight that I’ve dropped—it’s her weight that I carried for far too long. His rejection of my feelings isn’t a testament to my unworthiness, it’s his truth—which he has a right to—and I have a right to wish it was different but accept that it’s not. It’s not my fat, it’s not my fate and I have no desire to ask for it back.

April 30th, 2007

“Don’t give up.” “Stay consistent.” “Focus.” These were just some of the things that have been floating through my head in a litany this last week. I lost 6 pounds the first week, remained diligent, followed my food plan…and didn’t lose. Didn’t gain, but didn’t lose.

So I started exercising with a little more passion and I hope that pushes me past this frustrating set point. This is where it gets tough because my dysfunctional side says, “Well, I could eat some fries and stay the same weight,” but my rational side says “Maybe you could once, but that makes it easier for the second round of fries and then the gaining begins.” The part that still surprises me is that I’ve stayed with it this long, and I think I’ve passed the line that separates “dieting for a short-time goal” from “eating for a healthier life.”

I do still notice that I haven’t fully connected with my weight loss, and I’d better find a way to do it or I’m doomed to fail! I’ve finally taken the step to start counseling, and my first visit is next week. I’ve already told the therapist that I’m very apprehensive about starting because I don’t have food to fall back on to medicate my pain. As long as my therapist is aware of that fear and as long as I’m clear that I’ll have to be vigilant in not reverting to old habits, I should be starting in a better place.

Dr. Stamper had once challenged me by asking, “Have you lost weight?” followed by the question, “Are you a fat person?” and I answered “Yes” to both. He told me I needed to change my way of defining myself: I wasn’t a fat person…I was a person with fat on them. I need to have forward and affirmative thinking.

I went to Hearst castle with my soul sister (Lola) on one of our annual trips we like to take together. We chose “Tour 2,” hopped on a bus, and as we were standing with our tour guide, she announced, “As you know, this is the tour that has the most stairs steps— 400 plus” and I almost gasped aloud. We did not know this, and internally I started panicking. I went through what 361-pound Sara would have thought: How do I get out of this? I can’t walk up all those stairs! Should I wait back by the bus, or stand by myself outside the Castle? As the tour guide started to wind down and move the group inside, it hit me: Who said I couldn’t do 400 stairs? Have I tried to know that I can’t? I had to literally start reassessing my whole body and remind myself of all the things I CAN do now!

I now know I have a tendency to revert to “fat” Sara and I need to think differently…so up the stairs I went! Ten steps, then fifty, then one hundred individual steps, and I kept walking those steps until the tour was done…and I walked all 400! Granted it wasn’t 400 at a straight shot (that would still be a struggle!) but 100 pounds ago, I wouldn’t have been able to walk FOUR stair steps!

Okay, so at times I still define myself by the past, and that’s probably because I’ve spent decades as an obese person, but how do I continue moving forward? Counseling was my first step. Getting a new Lindora book and starting back to the basics is another. I haven’t run a step in years, so the other day I tried it to see if I could. It probably wasn’t the prettiest of sights, but by golly, I can run! It’s a lot of mental work but the emotional and physical payoffs far outweigh the strife. I just have to keep going; I need to keep going. I need to walk those stair steps to the finish line and then keep running!

April 20th, 2007

After a three-week break, I’m back! I did a lot of self-examination while I was away and have faced the ugly facts. Let me explain.

I’ve been doing the yo-yo thing for months now. Not days or weeks, but months. Every week I would lose a couple of pounds I would follow it up with a week of gaining it back. On and on this has gone while I told myself I was just happy at the weight I am. I lost enough of my fire and focus to be caught in the middle—between gaining and losing.

This was comfortable for a while, but lately I have been feeling ashamed at my lack of progress and disappointed in myself. I knew I had to wade into the middle of this mental muck and figure out what was really lurking in there. I made a commitment to myself that if I discovered that I was truly happy at my current weight, then I had to stop the Lindora program and the journaling because it wasn’t fair to my coaches and there wouldn’t be a progressive story to tell. However, if I found the ugly facts to be that I am not happy here and that something is sabotaging my progress, then I’d have to resolve it and get myself moving back in the right direction.

So that’s where I am today: facing the facts and trying to move forward. I looked back over the last few months and tried to figure out when it all stalled for me and what happened. What stood out for me was the day I had realized I was closer to my goal than to my starting weight.

When you have over 200 pounds to lose, it seems like you’ll never get there. Those of you who’ve been reading my journal from the beginning know that when I started with Lindora, I was convinced it would never work. I think that’s the only reason I was successful, because before I knew it, 20 pounds were gone, then 40, 60 and 100, but I never thought about that end number, I just concerned myself with today. When I truly realized how much weight I had lost, how attainable the rest of the remaining weight loss was, and realized the fact that I believed I could do it, the weight loss stopped. I must have mentally just dug my heels into the ground and put on the brakes.

I started worrying about what it all meant, about who I was going to be at the end. Friends started wanting to set me up with this or that great guy, and I started putting strong expectations on myself about being such a different person. Worst of all (for me) I wanted it; I believed I could do it. For the first time I can remember, I started wanting a healthy body with a healthy mind, and I was excited about the possibilities. That’s when it happened: Sara wanted something for herself and wanted it bad so she panicked.

The old litany and old habits were still there in the background, just waiting for a vulnerable moment so they could take back control. Since I was a kid I never let myself dream or think about the future because I was so ill-equipped to handle failure and rejection. If I had no dreams for myself, I had no chance of letting myself down. What I didn’t realize until recently is that I actually did have a “dream” for myself, but it was actually a nightmare and I was living it every day.

The bottom line is that I got scared. Scared to want this, scared to admit to myself I wanted it and scared to fail. It’s not acceptable anymore, so I started my next program and lost 6 pounds the first week. I’d love to add that number to my total, but I still have to lose a couple more that I gained and then you’ll see that counter moving again. I’m currently at 240 pounds and my dream, my goal is to be at two hundred thirty something next week.

Note to Self: Dare to Dream and No Turning Back!

March 15th, 2007

Did anyone see the lovely Traci Smith on the Discovery Health Channel? I did! She is as sweet and kind as she is beautiful. She’s lost somewhere around 325 pounds—and kept it off—and is such a great example of how the Lindora program can work.

There are so many other success stories out there, whether it’s someone who’s lost those 40 pounds they’ve struggled with for years or (as in Traci’s case) over 300 pounds. I’m getting hung up on the numbers right now, so my coaches have advised me to not track my weight on my journaling or to look at the scale when I go in for a while.

My inches go down sometimes, but the scale isn’t always reflecting it as quickly, and I’m at a point where I’m getting so close to my goal that I’m getting impatient. I just want to get there, and when I get frustrated it holds me back. We’ll see how this works for a few weeks, and hopefully the next time I look at my weight I’ll see some significant progress.

I know I hold myself back. I know that I need to get back to how it was in the beginning. I didn’t put a teaspoonful of anything in my mouth without counting every last carb. The next couple weeks I’m going to be very active between working my company’s annual convention and my week vacation I’m taking with my girlfriend, so it should really help the numbers on the scale go down. That being said, stress is still a danger zone for me. If I could stay home and just concentrate on me, I would have lost all my weight by now.

When I’m working too much and under a lot of pressure, that’s when I still have a tendency to slip or at least think about it. I have to continue to work on managing the pressure. I have to put it in perspective, do what I can do and then leave it behind. That’s not always easy for me and I find I usually do my best on the weekends. I know for a lot of people the weekends seem to be the hardest to be healthy, but for me, that’s probably when I’ve lost the most of my weight.

I’ve always fantasized that if I could just be sent off to a “place,” wherever that may be, and not have to think about anybody or anything else for a couple months, that I could lose all the weight I needed to. Unfortunately that’s not how life is. I have to be able to keep some focus on what’s best for me even through the craziest of days. If anyone has that secret formula, I’d sure love it if you could share!

I want to send a special thank you and hello to Gary P. I often feel like I’m rambling on in these journals, so if you find encouragement in them then perhaps I’ve said something that makes sense once in a while. I’ve been stopped at the airport, hotels, and baseball games by people who have read my journal. After I get over being surprised that anyone reads my journal, I’m always so appreciative that they have taken the time to stop and cheer me on. It’s kind of strange, but I actually feel like I’m talking directly to you all, this group of strangers all bonded together striving for a better life. I feel I know you even though we’ve never met and I think of you when I want to give up or get frustrated.

I’ll miss you for the next couple weeks because I won’t be writing while I’m at the convention or on my vacation, but hopefully I’ll have some interesting tales to share and I hope you have some adventures of your own while I’m gone!

March 2nd, 2007

I stayed the same weight this week and got lazy with my exercise. It’s frustrating to see the number on the scale stay the same, but more frustrating that I let work stress me out and didn’t take care of myself first. This week I’m refocusing and getting back to my moderate exercise, because that was definitely helping me through my set point.

Nothing really exciting to report this week and I’m drained from pressure at work so I can’t even think of anything fun to share. I did notice again that when I’m stressed out and working late, my instinct as I’m driving home is to take a detour and drive up to a little talking box that says, “May I take your order please?”

Sigh. How enticing those words are when I haven’t eaten every couple of hours as I should, or I’ve let myself get too stressed and haven’t been getting enough sleep.

“Yes!” I want to yell back, “Yes you may take my order!”

But alas, if I were to give in, the happiness would be momentary and the next time I stepped on the scale it would be but a memory.

You know I used to not eat all day and then drive through wherever late at night and order enough for two or three people. The shame would sometimes make me order enough drinks for two or three people—just so those nameless people at the drive through wouldn’t “know” it was all for me. Come on now. A 361-pound woman sitting in her car ordering enough food to feed a group…I’m sure the drinks didn’t fool anyone.

It’s so painful to think about that memory sometimes, but I can’t put it completely out of my mind in order to keep myself from ever going back to that. Yes, fries at 10 p.m. would taste fabulous on some occasions, but wearing pants without elastic at the waist and not having to wear knee-length blouses to cover my hanging stomach is SO much better than a burnt piece of potato!

February 21st, 2007

Down to 235 pounds. I hate to say it too loud, but I think the set point is over (shhh, don’t jinx it)! The scale is finally moving the right direction and I couldn’t be happier. As long as I do my exercise every day (hating it every minute but loving the results) and feed my body in a healthy way (which it now craves) then I should be in the 20s in no time!

Let’s keep in mind that the Angels’ opening day is in April, which means I have to meet Mr. Wonderful (the guy I told you about in one of last year’s journal entries…). This means I need to stay focused! Not so much to lose weight before we meet, but because when I’m taking care of myself I feel more confident and sassy.

Some people would say I’ve never had a problem with the “sassy” aspect, but I think it was more of a cover for how I really felt. Now, I really DO have my sassy days! Today for instance, I came into work and told everyone how good my hair looked and how pretty I was in my new top. It’s not that I wouldn’t have said all that before at 361 pounds, but the difference is that today I really did believe it!

Okay, I’m not that vain, but it’s funny how seeing two pounds less on the scale can boost my confidence and feel like I lost 20! I was talking with my pal today and telling him it’s not the 126 pounds I’ve lost that means the most to me, it’s the two pounds after a set point that can make my heart sing!

The seemingly smaller victories are what my heart remembers: It’s seeing the scale read “299” for the first time after so many years of only seeing my weight begin with a “3.” It’s buying pants that have a zipper in them and no elastic around the waist. It’s feeling that buckle click on the airplane without the extender. It’s slipping into a go-kart seat for the first time and chugging around the track because I’m not over the weight maximum. It’s not being afraid of getting in someone else’s car and having to “hold” the seat belt next to me so they won’t see that I can’t buckle it. It’s grabbing my size blouse in a store only to find it’s too big. It’s looking around and being aware that I’m no longer the biggest person in the room and wanting to fall to my knees and weep with the emotion.

Those are the moments I carry with me to get me to the next one and the next one. I am experiencing life, moments that I thought were lost to me forever and I’m not willing to lose them again.

February 16th, 2007

237 pounds ladies and gentlemen, that’s right, 237 pounds! I lost three glorious pounds last week! I feel a change in my body and I think if I am consistent with exercise I should be able to keep this train a movin’ down the track.

I had really gotten lazy with exercise and my coaches kept saying “go back to the beginning” and “work the program like you did that first month.” I kept thinking I was, but over time I realized that I had slacked off some…and then that I had slacked off more than just “some.”

I hate exercise. I can walk with a friend for hours just to spend time with them. I can walk the malls looking for that perfect gift or lip gloss or pair of shoes. I can run across California Adventure so that I can ride the Tower of Terror, but apparently I can not run or walk for even 30 minutes a day so that my behind can get in a smaller pair of pants! Are you kidding me here?

I worked harder and more consistently at the exercise when I weighed 361 pounds. That doesn’t even make sense. So instead of telling myself how much I hate it, I am making myself remember what it was like when I wasn’t able to walk for 5 minutes before I started Lindora. I remember how bad my knees hurt, how humiliating it was to not be able to walk up stairs or fit in chairs, buckle a seat belt, walk around the mall or run errands, and to have my whole life shut down day by day as I became trapped under my weight.

I need to celebrate my freedom of movement, not take it for granted! I can walk, I can run (it’s not a pretty sight, but I can do it!), I can buckle, sit and dance! I went dancing the other week and had the time of my life. I say get a dance tape, walk the treadmill and flirt with boys, walk the block and meet your neighbors, remember what it was like before you were given this gift at a chance for a life.

Instead of pouting that I can’t get past a set point, I fight against it. It’s time. Time to let go of more fears. Time to straighten that backbone and keep seeing what I’m made of. I’m determined to be in People magazine’s annual issue of people that lost weight without surgery or gimmicks. I need to move toward that goal, not sit here and wait for it to come to me.

I let myself get terrified that I couldn’t accomplish my goal, that I was stuck. I was doing exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do anymore: defining myself by my past. I am not that person anymore. I may not know exactly who I’m evolving into, but I do know what I’m transitioning away from: I’m no longer a person who gives up on herself, or someone who doesn’t believe she’s worth the hard work, doesn’t think she deserves success, or the person who is a frightened child who never learned how to deal with pain and rejection head on (This is where the “Rocky” theme music starts to swell in the background and you need to imagine me jogging in place punching my fists in the air…and since you are already imaging that, you might as well put me in a very cute slimming jogging outfit!).

I did moderate exercise every day last week, ate according to plan, lost 3 pounds and I’m back fighting for my future, the future I have to believe I deserve.

February 9th, 2007

I am at the set point from hell, but fighting like the dickens to get through it. I was at this weight—give or take a couple—for about 15 years, which is the longest period of time I was at any weight. I can name the numbers where I stuck for awhile before ultimately moving on to 361 pounds (technically 376 pounds, but I had lost 15 when I was sick before I came to Lindora).

My starting weight in high school was 140 pounds (boy…140 pounds sounds reed-thin now, but back then, I would have been considered a little chubby). All the girls were a lot thinner, so in my teen years 140 was considered unacceptable. By the time I left high school, I remember hitting 180 and feeling sick that I was so close to 200 pounds. But when I hit 200 pounds again now, you’ll think I’ve won the lottery—that will be a joyous day!

My early twenties were when I weighed 240-260 and stayed there until my late 30s when that 300 mark became part of my life. As you can see, it hasn’t really been an up and down battle, just “up, up and away!” I of course tried most everything from pills to fads to eating disorders and would lose on an average about forty pounds (sixty on some of the more drastic diets), but would immediately start gaining back and add some.

I’ve now kept the weight off for a year and 8 months, and I know once I get through 240 pounds I’ll be on my way again. I’ve started lifting light weights at home (5 pound weights) trying to change up what I’m doing and give my body some extra help. The only failure that can happen here is if I give up, consistency over time is what’s going to get me to my goal. My last hard set point was the 300-pound mark, and it was so affirming once I stuck with it and then moved into the 200s!

Although I get frustrated and impatient, what I don’t feel is hopelessness, and that realization actually made me cry the other day. I don’t feel hopeless—when did that happen? I’ve lived life feeling that I was not in control. I felt hopeless and helpless sometimes, and worried, stressed and fearful...and could it be I’m coming out on the other side of all that pain?

I know I probably won’t leave all that behind, but if I can get it to a more manageable and realistic level, then I do have an opportunity to have life. Not to have “a” life, but to have life—to feel alive and experience everything from joy to grief without running, retreating or self-medicating with food or any other form of self-abuse.

As I write this, I’m shaking my head at the mere wonder of what that could mean for me, at what I might have missed in the world because I was too afraid of failing, or worse, because I’ve even been afraid of succeeding. There’s nothing I can do about that now, but I can make sure that I not give up on myself before I find out!

February 2nd, 2007

In my quest to lead a more fearless life, I did something I never could have attempted (let alone wanted to attempt) before I started the Lindora program.

Last year I wrote about how I was able to fit in a go-kart at a fun park and for the first time wasn’t over any weight maximum. What a liberating feeling that was, chugging around the go-kart track, giggling the whole time! It was something that seems so small, but it was representative of something much bigger in my soul.

Well, now I’ve done something that was huge for me in my journey of living this next phase of my life differently. I was at California Adventure with friends, and my friend Martin started hounding me about going on the “Tower of Terror” ride (it’s a freefall “thrill” ride at Disney).

Let me tell you, I don’t do heights well. If I’ve ever gone on a roller coaster I don’t remember it, and amusement park rides that have any kind of drops, spins, rolls, etc., well, you didn’t even need to ask me—my friends knew it wasn’t going to happen (not to mention, in the past I wouldn’t have been able to fit). So this time, as I automatically start to say “forget it” to Martin, I looked at his eager handsome face and then remembered – someone who’s fought her way to over 120 pound weight loss wouldn’t be afraid of a little ole’ Tower!

So off we go, half running, half speed walking so we can make it there before the ride closed (okay, there was a part of me that was secretly hoping they would have shut the ride down before we got there, but alas, they welcomed us into the ride and then it was too late to back out!). Every time I started thinking too much, Martin would distract me, I’d shake it off and tell myself “this is it, prove something to yourself!”

Let me tell you this, I screamed, I howled, I laughed, I gasped—but I did it! I’m including a picture as proof, although I’m hidden in the corner…and although you can’t see it, I’m clutching onto Martin’s arm as if my life depended on it.

It’s not the ride itself that was so thrilling…it’s that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and took a chance.

Dr. Stamper told me last year I can’t define myself as a “fat person” or I’m destined to stay that way…I am a person that has fat on them. I can’t keep avoiding doing things just because I never did them before or was afraid—I have to experience different situations and try new things.

The Tower of Terror might be a small thing to some, but to me, it was HUGE on the risk factor! I was smiling broadly, practically skipping out of the ride, so proud you would have thought I had won an Olympic race! My girlfriend was waiting for us and she immediately said “I’m so proud of you,” and it was reaffirming to know I have people around that knew what a big step it was for me without me having to tell them.

I’m not sure I want to do it again tomorrow, but the self satisfaction of having the courage to try is more thrilling than any roller coaster in the world.

January 19, 2007

I’m here to tell you that the plateau diet works! I lost 3 pounds last week, 4 days of which I was in a hotel in meetings having to eat the food that was provided. Again the snacks I always carry with me from Lindora helped save me. I try to always have at least one protein bar and one or two hot chocolates in my purse in case I need them. I wanted to stay on the plateau menu, but my coaches cautioned me that they don’t want me eating the same thing day after day and getting stuck in a rut. They also scolded me a little because I wasn’t initially pleased with losing 3 pounds and thought it should be more. That’s going to get me into trouble, so I had to regroup, and now I’m thrilled that my weight is down—and I’m hoping to be back in the “30’s” next week!

Okay, on to the emotional revelations. I’ve often talked about how I wanted to lead a more fearless life because fear had ultimately imprisoned me in a 361-pound body. I knew I was going to have to start opening myself up to feelings, rejection and risk and I guess naively I thought that was going to be the epicenter of my struggle. A recent interaction gave me some clarity on what my real challenge is going to be.

A conversation ended with me feeling so mortified and embarrassed that my defense mechanisms kicked in with a force that even surprised me. It was as if inside me, protecting my heart, was a heavy steel door that starting swinging shut with lightning speed to block out that emotional pain. Almost before I had a chance to react, the hurt was all but removed and a feeling of indifference took its place. That’s dangerous for me.

I had to mentally shove my shoulder against that steel door (before it could slam completely shut) and try and keep it propped open—otherwise, that false feeling of indifference leads me to self-sabotaging behavior and fast food hell. And that leads me to feeling worse about myself, and my focus turns to the pain I inflict on myself rather than the pain that comes from an outside source, and so the cycle begins.

As I get healthier, I gain a sharper clarity on my behavior and I have to choose not only to make healthier physical choices, but healthier emotional choices as well. My fearlessness doesn’t stop at taking emotional risks and opening myself up. I think the real work starts at standing strong in the emotional aftermath. When that internal protective door starts to close, I have to be strong enough to feel the feelings—whatever they may be—and keep that door ajar. I can’t let the aftermath destroy me, but I can’t do this fearless thing only half way, either. I’m already exhausted thinking about it, but hey, no one says holding heavy steel emotional doors open was easy!

January 12, 2007

So I had these great expectations that after my “break” I’d get back on the weight loss program and immediately start dropping 10, 20, 100 pounds the first week! Much to my chagrin, I lost 1 ½ pounds last week and my first thought was, “I could have eaten fries and lost that!” But then I regrouped and spoke to my coaches, and we’ve started the plateau diet to get things moving.

This is the weight that I have struggled to get past for months, and when I think back, this is the weight I stayed pretty steady at for 10 years or more. My body seems to like these numbers, and emotionally it’s also a fairly safe place for me to be. I’m not the biggest person in the room anymore, I can get some clothes that I think are cute, and I can go up and down stairs and walk for lengthy periods of time. However, I’m not at a healthy weight. I would like more options when it comes to choosing cute clothes, and climbing stairs or lengthy walks isn’t even close to effortless yet. I need to get my body started losing again and then my mind will catch up at some point.

Someone close to me asked if I had considered whether I’m just happy at my current size, that maybe I’ve lost enough to satisfy myself. I quickly acknowledged that if I were to go backwards in time to the girl I used to be, I would be more than happy to stay right here and not push myself further. But I am not that same girl anymore, and nor am I the woman I hope to someday be, therefore my journey continues. I have been a “runner” since childhood in one form or another, running as fast as I can from strong emotion, whether the emotion is positive or negative.

As a child I daydreamed to an extreme. Unhappy and shy, I would lose myself in my little stories in my head where the outcome was always me saying exactly the right things in the right way and the ending was always happy. As I grew a little older I escaped into books, reading the stories instead of daydreaming them, living through fictional lives where typically at the end everything would work out by the last chapter.

At some point in time, my coping mechanisms became more extreme. I became fearful of interacting with men to the point where I wouldn’t go through a checkout line in the grocery store if there was a man behind the register. If I drove up to the store and there were men standing outside, especially a group, I would immediately turn the car around and drive until I found one that felt safe.

Heaven forbid an attractive man complimented me or flirted…I would start to lose my eyesight, the periphery of my vision would start to turn gray then black until usually only a pinpoint size view was left for me to see through and it would stay that way until he stopped talking or moved away. These times also affected my hearing. I would start to hear something like a pounding in my ears that effectively blocked out any words he was saying until it was like I was stuck in a very dark cave with the sound of my own breathing magnified in my head. One time after such an event as my vision started to clear and noise started to filter in, I came to realize I was in the middle of a busy street with no idea of how I got there, how long I had been there and with cars whizzing by me on both sides.

Through a lot of struggle and hard work and the patience of a very caring man, I haven’t had an episode in about 6 or 7 years and no one meeting me now would accuse me of being shy! I would love to tell you I hung up my “running” shoes, but I still have some areas that I’m working on. The worst of it now, I think, is that when I’m feeling strong emotion when interacting with someone and I’m hurt or upset or sad, my first instinct is to leave. I just jump up, turn and am several paces before I even realize I’ve done it. It’s like the emotion is bubbling up so furiously inside that I have to get away from it and there’s no thought process that comes first. I’ve been working very hard with someone that’s important to me to sit through the tough stuff and to not walk off without at least verbalizing it first. It’s not easy.

I’m telling you all this to give you an idea why it’s not an option for me to stop here, at this weight or emotional place, because to me it would be like I’m still running. Running from success, running from pride in my accomplishments and running from my future, because my future might just be fantastic.

I am in the process of hanging up my running shoes unless it’s to run to the finish line. Hey, maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way! Since I’m so good at running, maybe I don’t have to stop, but I just need to change the direction I’m running in! I think you guys have just helped me figure out a new brilliant plan. I’ve been running for so many gosh darn years that it might be unrealistic to think I could just stop, but maybe I can jog my way in the direction of success and love instead of away from it. I’ll ponder that while I’m eating my white fish and spinach. I hope to have good news plateau-wise to report next time.

Wish me luck!

January 02, 2007

And she’s back! I took a little “hiatus” from journaling and weight loss after almost a year and a half, and in the process I gained some well-timed insight. Things were happening at work, I felt like I’d been pulled into thousands of little pieces, and my last couple of weight loss sessions lacked focus and motivation. I needed to step away from things and maybe confirm that I wanted to continue the journey I started in May of 2005.

Despite my last journal entry where I talked about going on a Lindora maintenance program, Sara did her own version of “maintenance” and the result is I’m starting 2007 at 245 pounds. I thought it was going to be worse than that, but I guess that with all the tools I’ve gathered along the way, I employed them without even realizing it! There is a reason Lindora has maintenance guidelines and a process, and it’s because if you go from weight loss to a free-for-all, it’s not pretty! If you do maintenance the right way, you get to maintain that weight loss we all work so hard for.

Even though the break relieved me from the stress of having to go into a clinic to weigh and focus on the Lean for Life program every day, it brought on an old stress that was far worse than anything I was experiencing. I think even subconsciously I was testing myself to see if it was easier for me to not think about what I was eating or how much. The insight I’ve gained is that I want this even more than I realized. I lost that sense of well being the last several weeks, I felt bloated most days, didn’t feel good about myself, and felt the old feelings of depression and self-hatred that had at some point diminished some over the last year without me even noticing.

I allowed myself to eat what I wanted (within some reason!) when I wanted it and discovered that’s no longer a life I know. It felt so out of control that I must have used the phrase “I’m out of control” to my friends nearly every day—yet I didn’t stop—and then I began to feel powerless over it. Once I ate one thing, it made it easier to eat another. A couple of tacos at a fast food restaurant for lunch took me to, “What-the-heck, I’ll eat fast food for dinner.” I didn’t have the appropriate food at home and no Lindora snacks to grab when I needed them. So I would go long stretches with no food and then get so hungry that I would go grab something quick—filled with carbs and fat—and ate much more than I would have had I paced my eating through the day.

Don’t get me wrong—it was fun for a hot second—but the way I’ve been feeling confirmed to me that my journey isn’t over and I have no desire to go backwards, walking along the same old path that I had been for years. I’m committed, I’m on my second day of protein, and it feels great!

November 17, 2006

I just got back from the Irvine Lindora clinic, and after discussions with Dr. Risser and Dr. Kobylinski, there’s a new plan for me until the end of December.

I have lost a good deal of weight and have remained focused on my goal. There have been no big weight gains and I’m proud to say that I’m not giving up! But I’ve done back-to-back programs for over a year, so to give my mind and my body a rest I’m going to be on more of a maintenance program after I finish this round of metabolic adjustment. I’m still going into Lindora and weighing in, I’m still going to journal, but I won’t be reporting my weight every week (the idea is to maintain!) and I’ll be working closely with Dr. Risser and my coaches on what my daily food plans should be.

During my discussion with the Lindora doctors today, I made an interesting and encouraging discovery about myself and how I’ve changed. Changing my food plan up a little could result in some weight gain, so I asked them what weight range I should stay in. Instead of thinking I have permission to gain weight or oh good, what can I go eat? I found myself rejecting the range that had been given to me and setting a smaller one instead. That is contrary to how I would have reacted prior to starting Lindora and achieving the significant weight loss I already have!

One the biggest differences about the Lean for Life program that works so well for me is that instead of sitting in a large group and having a single weight loss plan doled out for every person to follow, Lindora can tailor the program to my specific needs depending on what’s going on with me. If I hit a plateau, there’s a solution. If I’m really stuck, there’s still another plan I can try to get my weight loss started again. Every visit is about where I am and what I need, not one template for all to follow. So although there is a part of me that is nervous about taking a month to maintain where I am today, I think in the long run it will help the rest of my weight come off in a more consistent pace.

Wish me luck. I’ll be keeping you posted through the upcoming weeks!

November 10, 2006

An eventful week has come and gone, yet my weight has stayed the same. I’d like to blame it on plateaus or act ignorant as to why I didn't lose weight, but I can’t do that because I do know why: I’ve been nibbling and submitting to stress. I’ve been pretty good about not giving into stress eating since I started the program, but things have been extra crazy lately and I haven’t been as vigilant.

I was involved in a hit and run accident a little over a week ago and I've made myself crazy trying to figure out whether or not to press charges. I’ve always trusted my gut instincts and never questioned whether I was too nice, too soft or too forgiving--I was just me. As I evolve into a more active participant in my own life, I sometimes find myself unsure of my own responses or feelings. I’ve buried what I wanted and needed all my life, and to now think of those things--let alone make them a priority--is a painful and often awkward process.

My immediate response when someone hurts me is to ask myself what fault I might have in it. Maybe it’s a way to not let anger take over because anger--my own and everyone else’s--frightens me. I have buried my feelings under the protection of fat and weight and shapeless clothes for decades, and now I'm trying to sort it all out in less than a year and a half. Good luck to me! I am confused at every juncture. Do I go back to the past and seek the comfort of those who accepted me, or do I look forward to those who know me now?

At work, I recently took a Leadership Class and we did several personality type evaluations. One of them determined whether we were a "Feeling" or a "Judgment" personality type, or somewhere between the two? Well, my score couldn’t have been any higher in the “Feeling” range, which basically means that I find it challenging to just deal with cold, hard facts. To me there’s always a reason, always another side, always something else to take into consideration.

All of which brings me back to the hit and run. I’ve been in a dilemma as to whether or not to prosecute. Was I making a “feeling” decision (to not prosecute) and overanalyzing it in an attempt to do the “right” thing? I don’t just go with my gut reaction anymore because I don’t trust it right now. I’m trying to figure out if my instincts have been wrong this whole time. I'm in a smaller body with confusion swirling around in my head, and a heart that's tired of second-guessing my every move.

I watched Oprah the other day and they were discussing how more and more people who have had weight loss surgery are transferring their food issues to other addictions at an alarming rate. The opinion seemed to be that because they aren’t dealing with the issues along the way and making the choices to be healthier both in body AND mind; they simply turn to something else when food isn’t an option anymore. I'm trying to deal with being healthy in both mind and body on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes I feel like I fail miserably. Yet most days, I'm still filled with wonderment at the magnitude of what I’ve accomplished so far and have a strong desire to continue on the journey I began 127 pounds ago.

October 27, 2006

Hello my friends, it’s been a while! The last time I wrote, my daddy had been in and out of the emergency room for a couple weeks and I was challenged to keep myself healthy during a crisis. He was in the hospital for a few days, so I focused my attention on making sure he and my mom were okay until he was released and home (which he now is).

So, in the two weeks since I’d last written, I gave in to my emotions and went off program for a couple of days. As a result, I gained 3-4 pounds and then took them back off. I had dealt with a couple of personal interactions that left me feeling like I'd been hit by a tornado (and like I'd been left barely standing), but I am now hopefully coming out on the other side of things!

Oh, before I forget, I have a new way of describing my progress. I tell people that for years I used to carry around the weight equivalent of an adult and a child, and now, I finally have the adult off of me and am in the process of letting the child go, too. I love children like nobody’s business, but come on, YOU try and carry a child piggyback for 24 hours a day, 365 days a year—and I’ll bet you’ll be eager for them to hop off, too!

I was telling my Lindora coach this morning that I’m finally noticing the differences in my body. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen them earlier, but perhaps I wasn’t ready to. Now I see everything as rounded and curvy, no longer swollen and distended. I don’t feel sexless and distorted; I feel more feminine, and I feel the part of me that is a confident woman.

I feel less and less satisfied with where I am, and more and more excited about where I can go. In the past I never allowed myself to dream of my future—ever. I think it was because I never felt I deserved much, and that if I set goals and dreams and never achieved them, I wouldn’t be able to accept the failure. Well I’m starting to dream now, and better yet, I think some of those dreams will come true because I haven’t allowed myself to believe otherwise!

Losing weight the Lindora way has given me more than just smaller hips and thighs—it’s given me a sense of pride and accomplishment. With the amount of weight I had to lose, I don’t think I could have done it on any other program because it would have taken longer and I would have lost my motivation and given up on myself. If I’d done it any faster, it would probably be unhealthy and I would be tired and cranky. Instead of becoming stronger in mind, body and spirit, I might have become weaker.

Had I taken the bariatric surgery route to lose the weight, I wouldn’t feel like Sara had accomplished the weight loss but would have attributed it all to the surgical procedure. I wouldn’t have gained my greater sense of self.

I’m not done yet, and I still make mistakes. I was on a roll and then the last three weeks have been an exercise in just not gaining during some chaotic times. Now I need to push forward in my journey to see what lies on the other side of morbidly obese. If I think I’m so cute in my jeans now, I wonder how I’ll feel when I’m down a couple more sizes?

I don’t know how I’ll pay for it, but I wholeheartedly believe that I will find a way to have the surgeries I need to bring my body to an “average” shape. If it means I have to be that girl that goes on the Discovery Health channel (with my important “bits” blurred) and allow them to film the “before” thighs that could win a look-alike contest for impersonating two Shar-Peis (those wrinkly dogs), then by golly, that’s what I’ll do to afford it!

As I lose the rest of my weight, I am determined — no — I AM COMMITTED — to living the rest of my life free of excessive fat cells, free of telltale loose ugly skin, and blessed with the emotional fortitude to deal with life on life’s terms.

So, to sum up this week’s journal: I love kids, and I love Shar-Peis—but only if they aren’t permanently attached to my body!